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For all you lads wondering what army life
is like heres a quick summary. And it is 100% true. 1) Whenever your bored, get drunk. Be bored often. 2) IF you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning. 3) Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for 5 hours, or until you pass out and face plant on the asphalt. 4) Have someone yell at you the entire time. 5) Have someone yell at you every time your stupid enough to go outside without a hat, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets. 6) Give yourself twenty minutes less then what you need for meals. 7) Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have someone yell at you and call you a "filthy pig". Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again, (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say 'good turnout'. 8) Whenever civilians do or say something stupid (it happens alot) shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuos/condescending voice 'fuckin' civvies'. 9) Pack three days of clothes, live in your backyard for 2 weeks. 10) Dig a hole. Every 2 days, fill in that hole and dig another one somewhere else. When you are halfway through digging it, have someone compliment you on the nice hole you've dug, and tell you to fill it in and dig somewhere else. 11) Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding 2 of every 5. 12) if your entirely tired and fed-up one night, stand on guard duty from 3am to 6am. Never sleep more than 20 minutes at a time. 13) Routinely take something apart, clean it, and put it back together. 14) Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need and have someone tell you your not entitled to them. Walk away and have your spouse whine how your always on deployment. 15) Start a project, Any project. Have someone come by and tell you how to make your job 'easier'. Say 'yes sir' and do it the way they told you. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way. And army life whilst at Kapooka. 1) Have a cold shower every night for a maximum of 30 seconds. 2) Practice getting changed in under a minute. 3) Make your bed without a crease leaving a 30 cm fold of the sheet over the blanket in under a minute. 4) Have your window 20cm open at all times, no matter the weather. 5) Have someone yell at you the entire time. 6) Have the same person wake you up in the night shining lights in your eyes to make sure you havn't ran off. 7) Have the same person say how bad of a soldier you are and how much of a numpty you are whenever you forget anything. OR, get the same person to go face to face with you and yell 'YOU ARE A FUCKWIT' for forgetting anything. 8) Have the same person threaten to charge you for your brass not shining enough when you never wear it. 9) Have a different person yell at you for not moving quick enough, or not lifting your arms to breast pocket height. 10) Have the same person make you do laps down hallways until you learn to lift those arms and move through the hallway in under 8 seconds. 11) Go to PT. Have someone say how unfit you are because you cant do 200 pushups in 2 minutes, or run 2.4km in under 5 minutes.. 12) Have the same person yell at you if you fall over and hurt yourself, telling you to get up because there is no rest in PT. 13) Have someone get unbelieveably angry at you because you weren't 5 minutes early to something. 14) Buy a weapon. Have very thorough, long and useless lessons on this weapon. Have someone yell at you in a pitch black room because you can't see what stoppage it is in your weapon. 15) Get this same person to try and fix your weapon, having them fail to fix it after 15 minutes, and them still telling you how bad of a soldier you are. Righto thats my rant. Isn't Army life a magical place? |
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